Mark Madden

Mark Madden

The Super Genius of Pittsburgh Sports.Full Bio



The World Cup is coming to the U.S., Canada and Mexico in 2026.

It will not mark a golden era for soccer in America. We got promised that when we hosted in 1994. It didn’t happen.

Only one thing will push soccer to the forefront of American sports: When the hot girl dates the soccer captain in high school.

Right now the soccer captain is way back in the line. He's behind:
*The football captain.
*The other football captain.
*The sophomore football star. He invariably gets broken in by a senior cheerleader.
*The rich guy.
*The other rich guy.
*The guy with the coolest car.
*The guy with the guitar.
*The basketball captain, unless he’s also the football captain. If he is, then his spot gets taken by the baseball player who might get drafted.
*The really funny guy, as long as he’s not ugly or fat.
*The guy with a ton of drugs.
*The guy with the rest of the drugs.
*The guy rumored to have a huge organ. He is often Latin and nicknamed "El Nino."
*The guy who graduated last year but still hangs around and also has drugs. He will often convince the hot girl to be a stripper.
*And then, maybe, the soccer captain. If he’s really good-looking, has money, and has a decent car.

If Cristiano Ronaldo grew up in the U.S., he would play receiver and strong safety.

Ronaldo would be the football captain. He would also be the rich guy, the guy with the coolest car, the guy with a ton of drugs and the guy rumored to have a huge organ. Who knows, maybe he’s also funny and plays guitar.

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