Mark Madden

Mark Madden

The Super Genius of Pittsburgh Sports.Full Bio



The Pirates stink. They don’t spend. They lack good players. Their manager is an amateur. We knew all that. We saw it coming. 

But the biggest villain in the Pirates’ season to date is first base at PNC Park. The bag itself. 

First base hypnotized Will Craig, who started the first-ever rundown between first base and home plate in baseball history. 

First base moved out of the way of Ke’Bryan Hayes. How else could he possibly miss it after hitting a home run? Check the replay. 

The Pirates need upgrades throughout the roster. That's a never-ending process.

But they must get a new first base ASAP. 

Former Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon stole first base once. Get him to bring that one back. 

Switch first and third base. The Pirates hardly ever get to third base, anyway. (Me, neither.) 

Shoot Jalapeno Hannah in the head during the pierogi race. (She’s all head. You couldn’t miss.) Skin the carcass. Use the skin to make a new first base. Eat the rest with sour cream.

If the Pirates don't replace first base, they need to figure out the significance of first base.

It would probably be easier to kill and skin one of the pierogis. 

Thumbnail via Getty Images

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