PILATE’S PROSPECTS

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In what would be a major front-office shakeup for his Pittsburgh Pirates, owner Bob Nutting wants to put Jesus in charge of payroll.

Jesus has administered a major religion/corporation on behalf of his father for approximately 2,000 years. But the popular savior and brand name wants to branch out. Rumors of a rift between Jesus and his father gained traction when the former was heard to say, “How’s it feel to be forsaken, Dad?”

Matt Cullen was unavailable for comment.

Nutting heard that Jesus fed 5,000 people with five loaves of bread and two fish, then remarked, “That guy can stretch a budget.” Nutting also hopes that Jesus can maximize profit with the all-you-can-eat seats.

Jesus’ deal with the Pirates is not finalized. Jesus is also fielding a very competitive offer from Long John Silver’s.

A potential stumbling block: Nutting says the Pirates can’t afford to hire all the disciples and wants Jesus to instead work with the racing pierogis. “We’re already paying them,” Nutting said. “For now.”

Pirates president Frank Coonelly is reportedly hoping Jesus can turn water into Jim Beam. “For the Lexus Club,” Coonelly quickly added.

GM Neal Huntington said, “Who’s this Hay-soos? He sounds Dominican. Is he on the 40-man? Send him to Double-A. We can’t let him hit Super Two.”

If Jesus is employed by the Pirates, he will be under the direct supervision of Nutting’s grandnephews Huey, Dewey and Louie.

Image Courtesy of Getty Images.

Mark Madden

Mark Madden

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