Mark Madden

Mark Madden

The Super Genius of Pittsburgh Sports.Full Bio



A sports team can make a lot of money even if it sucks. 

Perhaps because of that, sucking is at an all-time high. 

But suck goes beyond merely losing a lot. 

Some teams define suck. They invoke suck. They are suck. You look at their logo and you think, “suck.” You look up “suck” in the dictionary, and you see that logo. 

Fans of those teams don’t necessarily spot the suck. 

Prime example: Toronto Maple Leafs. 

“Go, Leafs, go.” Shut up. You suck. Those marks witness the suck, they live the suck, but they don’t see the suck. 

I bet Auston Matthews sees the suck. He needs to escape before he is the suck. “Got a dream to take them there, they’re coming to America.” 

Three teams are at the head of my list when it comes to suck: 

*The aforementioned Maple Leafs. They got more resources than any NHL team. Every English pig with no brains wants to play for them. They are above criticism because 90 percent of Canada’s hockey writers stooge for them. But they still suck: 54 years without a Stanley Cup. 

*The New York Jets. Big market, big fan base, big suck. The Jets haven’t won or been in a Super Bowl since 1969. All they got since is the butt-fumble. Now the cool guy from Scooby-Doo is their quarterback. (But he’s not nearly as cool as Joe Namath, whose legacy the Jets tarnish.) 

*The Pirates. There are too many reasons to list, Will Craig’s faux pas being the latest and no playoff series wins since 1979 being the suckiest. S-U-C-K, you know there ain’t no foolin’ me, you’re sucky! You’re sucky! (Good tickets are still available. What a great ballpark!) 

This just scratches the surface. 

Half the NBA sucks: Charlotte, Memphis, Minnesota and New Orleans, for instance. Why do they even bother? 

The Detroit Lions have never played in a Super Bowl, and suck so bad that a Hall-of-Fame running back (Barry Sanders) and Hall-of-Fame receiver (Calvin Johnson) both retired in their primes rather than keep playing for the Lions. 

Have you ever seen the Flyers win the Cup? 

The Edmonton Oilers had the first draft pick overall four times in six years. They have the alleged best player in hockey. They still got swept in the first round by Winnipeg. Wayne Gretzky ditched the Oilers twice: Once for his Hollywood wife, and again because they suck. 

BTW, getting the NHL's first draft pick overall is a haphazard proposition. 

In 2013, it was Nathan MacKinnon. In 2015, it was Connor McDavid. In 2016, it was Matthews. 

But, in the midst of all that superstardom, Florida got defenseman Aaron Ekblad in 2014. Good luck with that marketing campaign. 

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